Loneliness.

A friend of mine once said to me; "I pray you learn to bring your loneliness to God."

And that idea has really stuck with me this past year.

Because we all have this crater in our gut that doesn't go away unless it's filled with the presence of God.

And although we try to fill it with thousands of other things, there's always an emptiness that remains in us until we learn to call on the name of Jesus - until we allow Him to rush in and be our Source of life.

-----

I'm learning that the hard way.

The lonely way.

(is there any other way to learn it?)

-----

I got mad at God the other night - wondering at Him why I keep hitting bottom, why I continue to feel stuck and unfulfilled and lacking - why my heart feels so empty when I am trying so hard to seek, to follow.

Why there is so much SILENCE.

But I soon recognized that all those feelings surfaced after a time of removal - a time when I had meagerly attempted to stop a number of unhealthy patterns in my life - a time following a decision to be off the internet for a few days (no facebook, twitter, email, blog, chatting, etc.) - a removal from my routine of those petty distractions that have a knack at becoming soul-bandaids, temporarily allowing me to forget.

-----

And it was after the removal of those distractions that the truth came barreling in with all its force - uprooting and surfacing a deep wanting in me that I had previously managed to avoid.

And it was good for me to feel the pain and the emptiness that came from the silence that followed.

Because sometimes the weight of the darkness is what motivates us to turn our faces towards the light.

And when the false lights, those little flickering lamps of comfort we surround ourselves with, when those lights are put out - the darkness becomes tangible and heavy and scary.

-----

And that is the very moment when we know to cry out for the sun - the time we begin to recognize how deep is our need for its light.

It is then that we can say the name - Jesus - and understand what we are truly asking for.

-----

In our deep darkness, we begin to understand.

-----

And after the need is felt and the name is spoken, the brilliance of the true light comes - the Source of all that is good and true.

The pure light that rushes in with healing and fulfillment and rest.

The joy that follows the coming of the One who is real and profound and unexplainable.

The grace of something bigger than ourselves.

-----

The arrival of God - His response to our call - is the beginning of our loneliness fulfilled.

A loneliness that can be broken only with the sheltering, hovering, gracious presence of our Maker.

With His arrival, we begin to see what was meant for us - this relationship we were created for.

At the call, He comes swiftly, and with power.

Our Maker. Our Bearer.

Love, in purest form.

God Himself.