falling and rising.

"if there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, i know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love."

-julian of norwich.

Favor.

Leah was not loved.

We remember her as the unfavored one.

In our minds she remains the unnattractive sister - unwanted by her husband.

It is the legacy we have given her.

-----
But that is only a small part of Leah's story, and certainly not how it ends - in fact, Leah has one of the most beautiful and incredible stories in all of the Bible, and one that can teach us a whole lot about who God is.

The part of Leah's story that we often miss comes after Jacob has been married to Rachel and Leah for quite some time (both 7 year work contracts have been completed). The Bible at this point in the story informs us that Jacob loved Rachel more than he did Leah. It goes even further to tell us that Leah was not loved by Jacob at all, in fact, the hebrew word that is used denotes a hatred or strong aversion towards someone.

The Bible makes it clear that Jacob didn't just mildly dislike Leah, he actually hated her.

-----
And so, God steps in. "When the Lord saw that Leah was not loved, he opened her womb" (gen. 29). Leah gets pregnant, has a son, and names him Reuben (meaning: he has seen my misery). She assumes, after giving birth to a son, that Jacob will begin to love her; "Surely my husband will love me now."

Leah assumes that God has blessed her with a child so that her husband will begin to love her.
But the Text implies that Jacob's feeling towards Leah do not change. She then conceives another child, who she names Simeon (meaning: the one who hears), deducing again that "Because the Lord heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too."

Apparently the favor of Jacob is a hard thing to earn, and despite bearing him two sons, Leah's cirumstances are still the same - she remains unloved by her husband. She conceives a third time, naming this son Levi (meaning: attached), thinking, "now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have bore him three sons."

Leah's desperation to be loved by her husband is so evident throughout her story. Like all of us tend to do, Leah seeks her validity and worth through human relationship. Leah hopes to be valued and chosen by her husband, and she sees God's blessing of sons as a means to that end. She desires so strongly to be looked on by another with desire and love, and despite all the time that has passed, she still hopes that Jacob's love will come.

But, again, the Text implies that it does not. After 3 sons, Leah remains unloved by her husband.

Once again, Leah bears a son, but something has changed this time. When her fourth son is born, Leah simply says, "This time I will praise the Lord." She then names her son Judah, meaning praise.

-----
Leah finally got it - she finally understood.
The whole time, Leah had been seeking love, and the whole time, Leah had been hoping to be validated and seen by her husband.

But by baby number four, I think she finally began to realize that from the beginning of the story, she had been seen - by God. From the very start, God has chosen her, God had cared for her, God had covered her with His love.

It wasn't about Jacob, it was about God.

-----
And the beautifiul thing about this story is that God did not bless Leah and give her sons and intervene in her life so that Jacob would love her.

God did it solely because He Himself loved her.

No goal in mind, no secret agenda, no strings attached.
God just loved Leah and wanted her to know it, so He showed her.

And once she realized that those four beautiful sons were simply a gift of love from a gracious God, her whole demeanor changed. Instead of rejection, there was gratitude.

The love of God changed her.

-----
(But wait, it gets even better...).

Do you want to know the most amazing part of this whole, beautiful story?

Out of the line of Leah - out of the line of Judah - comes Jesus.

JESUS.

Our Messiah, the promised One, traces His lineage back to Leah, the one we remember to be unfavored.

Unfavored? Friends, God lavished Leah with favor.

He saw her, he loved her desperately, and he esteemed her to a position of incredible honor.

Because that's what God is like. He SEES us. He FAVORS us. He CHOOSES us. He LOVES us desparately. And He ESTEEMS us to a place of honor, allowing us to be a part of the family of the One who was Promised.

That is what this is about.

This life of ours comes down to one thing and one thing only: we are desperately and deeply loved by a gracious God.

Nothing more, nothing less.

God loves us and He wants us to know it, so He births in us blessing upon blessing upon blessing upon blessing until we understand. He pours over us grace until we see. He looks upon us with favor until we realize.

He covers us with love
until we can say,

"this time I will praise the Lord."

Maturity.

It is so hard sometimes to wait for the Lord.

So hard to embrace promises in the midst of confusion, to walk forward in silence, to do what is right without benefit of immediate or obvious blessing.

It is so hard, sometimes, to believe.

-----

But I am learning, as I stumble along on this journey of faith, that no matter how challenging or unlikely things can seem, I always have a choice.

-----

When the light seems dark and the promises seem far away and the waiting is harder than I think I can bear, it is in those times that the choosing matters most.

Because in maturity, our belief needs to rest on God alone, and not on His blessing.

Sometimes God is silent.
Sometimes God is still.
Sometimes God is slow.

And in those times, I must choose.

I must choose to believe that God is near, solely because He says is.
I must choose to trust that the vision will come, solely because He says it will.
I must choose to embrace the promises, solely because He has made them.

There is nothing harder than waiting for the Lord and trusting in His appointed time.

But we must.

We must learn to put away the milk of our youth and move on to solid foods.
We must choose faith.

...

There are times when it feels like faith is all I have, but it is not.

God is near. God is moving. God is working.

And God NEVER stops leading.

I must choose to live in such a way that believes that, no matter the circumstances.
I must root myself in hope.
I must learn to wait, trust, and walk in faith.

I must persevere.

Because God is the God that He says He is.

And when, after a time of preparation or growth, God begins to speak into the silence again - when He, for a time, leads me out of the desert and once again enriches me and pours forth blessing in my life - it is then that I remember.

I remember how worth it this faith really is.
I remember how deep and full is the love of God.

And so, in the desert times, I choose to remember His living water, and I try my best to cling to it - in the winter months, I choose to hold on to His promise of spring.

-----

He will certainly come, He will not delay.

-----

Today, in the silence, I choose once again to believe that.

Finished.

I used to picture Jesus whispering His final words - "it is finished" - on the cross before His death. I used to see him, through his exhaustion and his pain (and feeling the separation from God so intensely), voicing those words in thanks that the suffering was finally coming to an end.

It was almost over.

But my picture of His last words is starting to change.

Because I think maybe he yelled them.

I think maybe Jesus lifted Himself up with all the strength he could muster, and in triumph, through blood, sweat, and tears, shouted them with all His might.

Because He knew.

He knew that love was breaking forth - He felt the power of it ripping apart that curtain, rushing us to the feet of the Father and unleashing God's presence into the world in a new and mighty and beautiful way.

He knew that

death had no power there,
sin had been crushed there,

and that

It was finished.

And I want my life to shout it too.

I want to feel the power of agape love coursing through my veins, ripping apart anything that keeps me or those around me from experiencing the presence of an Almighty God.

I want to daily pick up my cross and, dying to my own sin, allow God's will to reign in my life so that this story of mine will be a witness to the world - a witness that love really does win in the end, and that it is worth it.

I want the world to see in my surrender that

the last really shall be first
and that
the love of Jesus really does change people
and that
we really can approach the throne of God's grace with confidence.

...

With our surrender we shout out that It is finished.

With our thanks we witness to the world that

HE HAS FINISHED IT.

The Very End.

(Masada - Herod's desert palace and location of the Zealots' last stand in the Jewish Rebellion against Rome. Israel, 2009).

I ran my first half-marathon on Saturday.

And while I was running, I noticed something.

When it comes to people

who cheer me on,
there are two types:

...
there are those people that

recognize my pain,

empathize with my exhaustion,

and offer me

words of comfort.

...

And then there are
those people that
smile at me,
look me in the eye,

and tell me

that they believe in me.

Those people who

remind me that

I am stronger than I think.

Those people that

tell me

again and again

with confidence

that I can make it to the end,

and that

I have what it takes

to end well.

...

Both types are good.

...

But which type,

do you think,

helps me to

run faster,

fight harder,
feel stronger,
and perservere
to the very end?

Be Still.

(The Sea of Galilee. Israel, 2009)

Be still.

Oh, how many times God has reminded me of this.

He brings me back to stillness so often.

Most of the time, I think of the command to be still as a call to get rid of distractions. A call to purify my life of the busyness, to stop and listen. Let God's voice flow into my life and speak.

It is a hard thing to do.

But this week, when God said to me, "My child, be still," it seemed to mean an entirely different thing to my heart.

This time, God asked me to be still in a new way.

Because for a while now, I have been carrying around a lot of responsibility and guilt with me. It has managed to creep up slowly, telling me that it is my duty to make people happy. To take care of big needs, to release those hurts, to take care of that sadness. Slowly, the responsibility of another's wellbeing piled on, week after week in these last few months, until I had reached the point of exhaustion.

Because I can't do it.

No matter how much I try or how badly I want to, I cannot fulfill another person. I cannot fill an emptiness that only God can fill.

And when I came to Him, this tender God we serve, and said through angry tears; I. HAVE. NOTHING. LEFT.

He whispered to me, "My child. Be Still."

He said, "Let it go. This responsibility is too big for someone like you. This is the job for someone much stronger, much kinder, and someone with much more understanding.

Be still. Give this responsibility to me.

Trust. I have him. I love him. I am working on him.

He. Is. Mine.

BE. STILL.

Rest.

I am taking care of this.

Just like I'm taking care of you."

My friends, God knows us. More than we can ever begin to understand. And he knows those around us too. The ones we love so dearly. He carries all of us, watches over us, and loves us with abandon.

And He will not let us fall.

WILL NOT.

We can only do what God has equipped us for. Love.

We cannot save.

That is God's job.

And He does it well.

Rest in that.

Be still in that.

KNOW.